Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’