Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes