[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
pictures of spider-man
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being