‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.