Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
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how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.