Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Hamburger Hinderer.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”