Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
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Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.