I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly