“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets