The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.