Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
they finally got him. they got macavity
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?