Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that