Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.