Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Muppet Screams
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park