“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
felt cute might bury dad later idk
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!