*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Oops I deleted….
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.