When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
#growingpains
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.