I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
HELP 😭
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.