(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or