*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I only eat vegetarians.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
From my Mom
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*