“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
You Might Also Like
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Don’t tell me what to do
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Beware…..
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Okay me first
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.