My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
You Might Also Like
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario