I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.