Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
ouch
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons