More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.