Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Mission: Impossible
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation