Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
You Might Also Like
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
This squirrel eats better than I do
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My birthstone is kidney
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.