[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
You Might Also Like
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.