‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”