Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
You Might Also Like
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.