This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
When the stylist spins you back around
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.