My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.