Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier