Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.