Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
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An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
cat vs inanimate object
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.