Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Sponch
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.