oh you like architecture? name three walls
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.