I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
#DesignFail
You know…for fall…
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.