*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Sing it!
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
so, is there a mister shapen head
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.