You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.