My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea