I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Okay
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.