I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
(Jupiter –
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control