I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.