I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*puts words between two asterisks*
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”