Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
and now we wait
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.