Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Breaking news:
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?