Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
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having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
HR said no more nunchucks.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
We’ve all been there
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns