[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
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Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The best shot in the history of golf
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.