One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.